Hurt Locker: Storytelling, and Red Lines/Development

Howdy.

I wanted  to share another bit of World of Darkness: Hurt Locker with you. I’ve also seen a lot of questions about development, and about “red lines”, our development editing notes. So, I figure I’ll knock that out, and kill two birds with one stone.

The Draft

This draft is the Storytelling section of Hurt Locker. Leath Sheales wrote it. I dug it and wanted you all to see it. It touches on a bunch of little tricks, tips, and hacks to make your violent game a little bloodier. It’s not about making weapons more deadly, or tracking every second of Initiative. It’s about storytelling brutality, and showing the ripples of violence.

Here’s the draft.

Red Lines

I’ve seen a lot of questions lately about our development processes, and about red lines. So, this time I’m sharing a first draft with my red lines, my editing notes. I felt this was a prime example, because it touches on a lot of topics, it’s a strong foundational draft to start with, and it’s long enough that you should be able to get a feel for how I work. I’ve got a few caveats here:

  • Usually, I make a lot of light jokes and whatever in my notes. I try to keep the tone lighthearted. However, this is all about a bunch of sensitive topics. So, it’s not very entertaining.
  • This is my work. It’s not every developer at Onyx Path. Just mine. So like, Matt McFarland does things differently than I do. But, I figure some of you might appreciate the peek behind the curtain. Just don’t think I represent anyone but myself.
  • I’m going to be super tight about commentary here. This is sensitive stuff, so if things get hairy, I’ll shut it down. If I have to, it doesn’t mean you’re an asshole or anything; it just means I have to be sensitive and considerate of readers, and careful not to let discussion go south.
  • This is red line notes. This is what my author will receive. That author may choose to read the forum thread for further thoughts. But I don’t expect that of them.

My normal rules apply. I’ll paste them below.

But, because I’m sharing a first draft with my editing notes, I got the writer’s express permission before posting it. When reading, I’d like you to take that into consideration.

The Rules

  • First off, I set up a forum thread if you want to discuss.
  • Don’t bother commenting on grammar, spelling, and punctuation. I do bugger with a little of that, but by and large, that’s an editing thing.
  • Please don’t reiterate points. I’m not looking for consensus or “votes”. If someone said, “this issue exists”, don’t second it. I don’t want to bog down the conversation. If you have a new point or thought, cool. But don’t dogpile the conversation, please.
  • Some points don’t need context. “This has seven dots, Merits don’t go to seven dots” doesn’t need context. But, “This is unbalanced” is not really a point that helps anyone. That’s subjective. Now, if you played with it, and it created a specific experience at your table, I want to know.
  • Speaking in experiences is good. If you played with something, I want to hear the experiences it created at your table.
  • Please note the positives. This is partly because I want my team exposed to positive notes as well as negative, but also because I want to see what works for you and creates positive experiences. I’m in the business of creating positive experiences.
  • Don’t be insulting. Don’t insinuate motives from my team. Just address the material; don’t try to bring in assumptions and political issues.
  • If you make a “this doesn’t work” style note, couple it with what you think would work. That’ll help us frame your commentary.

Posted

in

,

by

Tags:

Comments

6 responses to “Hurt Locker: Storytelling, and Red Lines/Development”

  1. nikink Avatar
    nikink

    Yay! I do love seeing redlines and other ‘behind the scenes’ material.

    This looks fantastic. 🙂

  2. Caleb Cushing Avatar

    I’m curious as to what happens once our feedback is received.

    I imagine it goes through some iterations but it’s kind of frustrating seeing the draft, but not seeing the draft revise, and not being sure how something is going to be addressed (or in some cases whether).

    1. David A Hill Jr Avatar
      David A Hill Jr

      This is the red line pass. I might use some of the commentary, but it’s not as likely at this juncture because my writers are working on deadlines. Schedules keep me from being able to utilise fan commentary on every single section, and I’ve found that larger swaths of text produce disproportionately less valuable commentary.

      This is mostly to a) share some content, and b) give some insight into how I work, because some people have expressed curiosity. There’s only so much I can engage, for logistical, practical, and personal reasons.

      For the last few posts of content from this book, I’ve gotten a lot of valuable feedback, some of which will be reflected in the final draft content.

      1. Caleb Cushing Avatar

        yeah I’m just saying I’d be interested to see the development form first draft -> commentary -> results after commentary, without waiting for the final final copy. As just a way of seeing more of that development process and how feedback got integrated.

  3. Eolirin Avatar
    Eolirin

    That forum link seems broken.

  4. Enokh Avatar
    Enokh

    This is awesome, thanks for sharing it! Continually impressed and excited by how open Onyx Path is during development.