This is an alert broadcast across all frequencies. I am sorry for interrupting your radio listening. Regular programming will resume shortly.

People of the world, if you can hear this and can see the sea or any large body of water from your current location, you must turn and move in the opposite direction immediately. Obviously if you live on a small island this information can be ignored. In such cases, please instead hide in the nearest cupboard until the all clear sounds.

Do not be alarmed, but reports of gigantic pillpugs, gargantuan squid, and gill-kin attacking coastal towns, seaside resorts, and shipping have now been verified. I cannot confirm exactly how many of these threats are emerging, but it seems an invasion of some magnitude is now taking place.

I repeat, do not be alarmed.

Though, if you are already feeling alarmed, it is okay to continue feeling that way.

Honestly from my vantage point in Colorado, I’m not entirely sure what all the fuss is about. I see no reason to be alarmed.

Oh God! There’s something emerging from the toilet bowl!

[crackle of static]

Adam’s Ale Man

“Is it a fish?”

“Is it a frog?”

“No! It’s… A naked Alfred climbing out of an egg?”

— Words reported from onlookers at the Swanny Club, Atlantic City, as Adam’s Ale Man made his first appearance

Subject: Atlantic Threat Aqua-Fella a.k.a. Adam’s Ale Man

Threat Codex Rating: Bravo-3

File Notes

Alfred Tandoori was just a beachcombing bum with a love for ska music. He was unremarkable except for his poor sense of rhythm and surprising dedication for surfing in the oil-slicked seas off his native coastline.

One night at the Swanny Club with his fellow beach-dwellers, Alfred became particularly inebriated and decided to undertake the goldfish challenge. Nobody had succeeded at it before — indeed, nobody tried — but Alfred’s eyes were floating following the beer he’d already imbibed. The foolish youth downed a jug of the club’s finest — which also happened to contain a goldfish, hence the unironic name of the challenge — but unbeknownst to Alfred, drinking the goldfish would imbue him with certain powers.

These powers weren’t great. Alfred found he could swim underwater without needing to breathe for a variable amount of time. He wasn’t sure about the variable, making such an endeavour slightly dangerous. He also found his car had turned into a giant egg capable of flight, submersion, but irritatingly, not road travel. Even after fitting wheels to the thing, it proved resistant to rolling on land.

Alfred didn’t consider himself a hero as much as an inconvenienced guy, until the goldfish spoke to him.

“I have chosen you,” it said from somewhere in his intestine. “You are now Adam’s Ale Man, King of Water. You are my host. Together, for as long as we are together, that is, all not good fluids will become water at our command! Who are you again? I have a very short memory…” Alfred wasn’t sure what to make of all this, but got in his egg and spent more than a week underwater, subsisting purely on seaweed and anemones. He meditated on his new state, forcibly inducing constipation to ensure he didn’t lose his goldfish gift.

When Alfred emerged from the depths, he truly was Adam’s Ale Man. He strode up to the Swanny Club, naked as the day he was born and clenching his buttocks tightly. “All this beer shall become water!” he cried, proceeding to dance and writhe in a way most unbecoming to the patrons of this longshoreman’s bar. To their credit, they watched agog before the beer in their glasses turned to water. They then stomped the hell out of Alfred for depriving them of a night’s drinking. Atlantic City is not the place to reinforce prohibition, as it turns out.

Adam’s Ale Man now prowls the seas, nursing his bruises and broken bones with a mind to strike breweries, oil tankers, and sewage treatment plants. Whether Alfred decides on these actions or the goldfish compels him is unknown to all but Alfred Tandoori, and so far, he’s not talking.

He is, unfortunately, singing.

Goals

Adam’s Ale Man’s goal it to eliminate liquids from the world, if they fit his template of “not good fluids.” Being pretty weak and ineffectual, his targets are more often bars and breweries than oil refineries, but that’s not to say his power won’t one day increase.

Story Hook

Reports fly of the gargantuan squid harassing two luxury cruise liners stranded in the Caribbean, off Jamaica. The navy would dispatch ships immediately to assist the civilian vessels, but Adam’s Ale Man turned all the ships’ fuel into water just yesterday, rendering the fleet hopelessly unable to help the liners’ crew and passengers. Either the heroes will need to make the journey on their own, or somehow convince the eccentric “superhero” to change water back into oil.

System

Adam’s Ale Man harbors a strong enmity for characters of the Scientist archetype, as they seem dedicated to discovering how he works his bizarre alchemy, even if that means fileting him. Strangely, he’s quite fond of Survivors and Mouths, the former because he sees something of himself in rugged heroes, and the latter because the believes the Press will make him famous. Adam’s Ale Man will never back down from a fight, even against superior foes. His ego won’t allow it.

Adam’s Ale Man has the following abilities:

Skills: Athletics 3, Close Combat 2, Command 3, Culture 1, Empathy 1, Integrity 4, Larceny 3, Persuasion 2, Pilot 2, Science 3, Survival 2

Attributes: Cunning 1, Intellect 3, Resolve 4, Might 3, Dexterity 2, Stamina 4, Presence 4, Manipulation 1, Composure 2

Special Rules

Temporary Gills: Adam’s Ale Man is able to survive underwater without breathing for a number of minutes equal to successes rolled using his Stamina + Survival. He is never aware of how much time he has left before drowning starts to occur, forcing him to swim close to the surface at all times.

Egg Vessel: This “superhero” has a vessel in the shape of a giant egg. In no way does it resemble a fish or amphibian egg, but rather a chicken egg standing 8ft / 2.4m tall and 5ft / 1.5m across at its widest point. There is no reason for this. The egg can both fly and travel underwater at up to 30mph / 50km/h, with Adam’s Ale Man piloting it. The egg vessel has no weapons but has shown a complete invulnerability to impact, leading many to assume it’s hard-boiled in some way.

Alchemy: Adam’s Ale Man can turn any liquid into water (and potentially back again) if he sings, dances, and gesticulates at the liquid’s approximate area, providing it’s no more than 100ft / 30m away. This alchemy dance is accompanied by burbling and gurgling from an unknown, ambient source. The lyrics to Adam’s Ale Man’s song are as follows:

Not good fluid,
I’m here to slaughter,
All liquids that,
Aren’t my water.
[ska kicks]
I’m not some frog,
Or a fish-darned otter,
I’m Adam’s Ale Man,
King of the Water.
[instrumental]
I’m just a common dude,
I ain’t no auteur,
You know how it goes,
So turn into water!
[last verse repeated]